Mark Twain Quotes

Mark Twain Quotes

A full belly is little worth where the mind is starved,
and the heart.
—The Prince and the Pauper (1881)

Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can’t sleep anyhow.
—Mark Twain’s Notebook (1935)

Rise early. It is the early bird that catches the worm. Don’t be fooled by this absurd saw; I once knew a man who tried it. He got up at sunrise and a horse bit him.
—Mark Twain’s Notebook (1935)

Wisdom teaches us that none but birds should go out

early, and that not even birds should do it unless they

are out of worms.

—“New Year’s Day” (1866)

Go to bed early, get up early—this is wise. Some authorities

say get up with one thing, some with another. But

a lark is really the best thing to get up with. It gives you

a splendid reputation with everybody to know that you

get up with the lark; and if you get the right kind of a

lark, and work at him right, you can easily train him to

get up at half-past nine, every time—it is no trick at all.

—1882 speech

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation
myself, it has always been my rule never to
smoke when asleep, and never refrain when awake.
It is a good rule.
—1905 speech

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one
cigar at a time. I have no other restrictions.
—1905 speech

 Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would
work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take
a drink—under any circumstances.
—Mark Twain’s Notebook (1935)

As for drinking, I have no rule about that. When the
others drink I like to help.
—“Seventieth Birthday” speech (1905)

Do not undervalue the headache. While at its sharpest
it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins, the
unexpired remainder is worth four dollars a minute.
—Following the Equator (1897)

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you
don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what
you’d druther not.
—Following the Equator (1897)

There ought to be room in this house to swear in. It’s
dangerous to have to suppress an emotion like that.
—quoted in Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)
by Albert Bigelow Paine

If a person offend you and you are in doubt as to
whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to
extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit
him with a brick.
—1882 speech 

It takes me a long time to lose my temper, but once
lost I could not find it with a dog.
—1894 notebook entry

 Do not part with your illusions. When they are gone,
you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
—Following the Equator (1897)

 Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience:
this is the ideal life.
—Mark Twain’s Notebook (1935)

 Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
—quoted in Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)
by Albert Bigelow Paine

Happiness ain’t a thing in itself—it’s only a contrast
with something that ain’t pleasant.
—“Captain Stormfield’s Visit to Heaven”

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all.
The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all
our irritations and resentments flit away, and a sunny
spirit takes their place.
—“What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us”

There are three things which come to my mind which
I consider excellent advice: First . . . don’t smoke—that
is, don’t smoke to excess . . . Second, don’t drink—that
is, don’t drink to excess. Third, don’t marry—I mean,
to excess.
—1909 speech

 Do something every day that you don’t want to do;
this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing
your duty without pain.
—Following the Equator (1897)

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we
think of ourselves and how little we think of the
other person.
—1898 notebook entry

Let us be thankful for the fools; but for them the rest
of us could not succeed.
—Following the Equator (1897)

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles—by the

ears, by the heels, or any other way, so you can manage

it; it’s the healthiest thing a body can do.

—The American Claimant (1899)

When you are expecting the worst, you get something

that is not so bad, after all.

—A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court (1889)

An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up
one’s self-respect. The plan of the newspaper is good
and wise; when you can’t get a compliment any other
way, pay yourself one.
—1894 notebook entry

It has never been my way to bother much about things

which you can’t cure.

—A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court (1889)

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or

no influence in society.

—quoted in More Maxims of Mark (1927)

There are women who have an indefinable charm
in their faces which makes them beautiful to their
intimates, but a cold stranger who tried to reason the
matter out and find this beauty would fail.
—A Tramp Abroad (1880)

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.

—Following the Equator (1897)

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not

speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

—Following the Equator (1897)

All you need in life is ignorance and confidence, and

then Success is sure.

—1887 notebook entry

There is an old-time toast which is golden for its

beauty. “When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may

you not meet a friend.”

—Following the Equator (1897)

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

—Following the Equator (1897)

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man’s, I mean.

—Following the Equator (1897)

Honesty is the best policy—when there is money in it.

—1901 speech

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

—quoted in More Maxims of Mark (1927)

Let us not be too particular. It is better to have old,

second hand diamonds than none at all.

—Following the Equator (1897)

The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity, ostentation,

arrogance, tyranny.

—quoted in Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)

by Albert Bigelow Paine

Even Noah got no salary for the first six months—

partly on account of the weather and partly because

he was learning navigation.

—Mark Twain in Eruption (1940)