Funniest Quotes #hilarious #humor #jokes

Funniest Quotes

 #hilarious #humor #jokes

“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”

― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”

― Terry Pratchett, Jingo  

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”

― Markus Herz  

“Aging is a matter of mind. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

― Anonymous 

  “Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”

― C.E.M. Joad 


“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
― Lemony Snicket  

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”

― Rita Mae Brown 

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”

― Douglas Adams

 “Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”

― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

 “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

― Jerome K. Jerome

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”

― Laurence J. Peter 

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”

― Bertrand Russell  

 “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

― George Burns

 “I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

 “If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.”

― Mark Twain 


 “Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

― George Carlin 

 “Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.”

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

― George Carlin 

 “Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”

― Terry Pratchett

 “What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?”

― Charles M. Schulz

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

― Dorothy Parker 

 “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

 “Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.”

― Orson Welles

“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”

― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”

― Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

― Groucho Marx 

“If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!”

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish 

“People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.”

― Christopher Paolini, Eragon

“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

― Mark Twain 

 “I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.”

― Charles Schultz 

“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”

― Amanda Cross  

“It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?”

― Terry Pratchett, Mort

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

― Mark Twain 

 “Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.”

― Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”

― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.”

― Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures

“Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.”

― Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society  

“He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.”

― Terry Pratchett, Mort

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”

― Mark Twain 

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ”

― Fran Lebowitz  

“I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.”

― Paul McCartney